Archive for ‘well *I* think it’s funny…’

September 29, 2013

Oh, the irony is delicious…

by Decemberbaby

Whew. That was a long month… my kids had exactly 9 days of school in September, and too many days off to count without actually using my brain. I’m all holidayed out. Thank God, we’re done with holidays until Chanukah.

It figures that the thing to finally bring me out of the latest blogging hiatus would be my lovely tendency to ridicule and mock… but really, isn’t this too ironic?

Image

Kinda makes me want to buy it and then use a sharpie to add: (… except this pillow.)

I mean, for $39.95 at Indigo you can have a tangible reminder of the fact that you shouldn’t be spending $40 on stuff like this. I suppose it’s the only way for retailers to jump on the latest decluttering and minimalism bandwagons. Right?

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March 1, 2013

Le plus ca change…

by Decemberbaby

Yes, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

I’m on antibiotics. Again. For mastitis. Again.

I think I might also have a sinus infection, which would explain the feeling of *holycrappleasestopinflatingthatballooninmyheaditsabouttoburst!!!!!* I get every time I sit up. The doctor assured me that the Keflex I’m now taking for the mastitis should knock out any sinus infection as well.

In the meantime, I’m learning a few things:

1. I’m only fat because food tastes good. No, seriously. Right now I can’t smell anything at all, which means I can’t taste anything. And absent taste, food has no particular purpose, so why eat unless I’m feeling hungry? And is that why people gain weight when they stop smoking? Because suddenly they can actually taste their food?

2. I’m a very lucky woman to have so many friends and family to call on in times of need. I’d like to send a shout-out to L, who picked N up from school at lunchtime and drove him to my parents’ house; to M, who fed N lunch and got him settled for a nap; to my in-laws, whose devotion to our children is such that they didn’t even flinch when asked to pick up K from school and N from my parents’ house and then come here and babysit all three kids for 4 hours; and, of course, to Mr. December, who kept me supplied with hot packs and tea and blankets all through the feverish shivering hours of the evening and night.

3. Antibiotics are magical. I can imagine only too well what a week or more of this suffering would be like without them. A couple of hundred years ago a fever like this would have had my husband and children fearing my demise. Now it just means yet another visit to the doctor and a heart-to-heart conversation with my pharmacist. What a time to be alive.

4. We (as in Mr. December and I) need to teach the children to knock. Moreover, I think we need to repeat our lesson on what constitutes an emergency worth waking a sleeping parent (Hint: if there’s no fire and not more than a litre of blood, it’s not an emergency. Either fix it yourself or WAIT.)

5. We have finally established circumstances under which the phrases, “I want you to look at my breast” and “can you please massage the underside of my breast for me?” can in no way be construed as a come-on.

6. Shit happens. We all know that. But it only happens on the floor when mommy is very sick and just the act of bending over to wipe said floor makes her howl in pain. Well played, universe. Well played.

I’ll see you all when my sinuses clear.

February 19, 2013

Stoic

by Decemberbaby

Apparently I’m stoic.

We went to the doctor today for R’s well-baby checkup. Incidentally, she’s still able to fit into her infant (bucket) carseat at 9.5 kilos and 80 centimetres. Anyhow, so the doctor is examining her, and I hear,

“Oh! Oh my!”

Apparently R has a raging ear infection. We had absolutely no idea. Her behaviour has been normal, she’s been eating like a horse, and the only clue that anything is different is that she napped for 2 hours yesterday instead of her usual 45 minutes. Nevertheless, the eardrum is red and bulging and really gross looking.

“Looks like she inherited her mummy’s stoicism!” The doctor opined.

“Stoicism?” I said, “Whatever do you mean?”

“Open your mouth.” She ordered. Then she looked at my throat, pointed out that I’m incubating a couple of nice white patches on my right tonsil, and prescribed antibiotics for my strep throat. I had strep throat… who knew?

Sure, I haven’t been feeling fabulous, and yeah, I almost fainted yesterday evening, but I just assumed I was tired from too many late nights. Okay, I also had a stabbing pain in my throat. But only in one spot, and only when I yawned.

I guess you could call me stoic. I prefer “blissfully unaware” and “willing to soldier on.” Stay-at-home-moms don’t get sick days, after all. I often find myself thinking, “Okay, I’m good to collapse and fall asleep after I’ve put away the leftovers and helped K pack her lunch. Ooh, dizzy. I’d better just slide my butt down to the floor now…”

Having said that, I just realized that K’s lunch is packed and the leftovers have been put away. Methinks it’s time for bed. Also antibiotics. Good night.

November 8, 2012

Bloggus Interruptus

by Decemberbaby

I’m sewing and thinking and blogging, not necessarily all at once. And I can’t wait to tell you that I’ve just articulated one of my most successful life strategies: if you can’t be the best at something, be the only one at something. That’s how I came in second in my age class in the 2000 (I think) Kingston Half-Triathlon (there were two of us.) Anyhow, I’m about to tell you about how I used this same strategy when I became a violist and got to travel to Vienna with –

“SLEEP.”

Mr. December is standing in the doorway to my workshop and pointing to the stairs. I sew another seam.

“BED.”

We’ve been trying to get to bed on time, but we’re both terrible at it. Tonight he’s being the bad cop. Sometimes I am, and sometimes –

“SARA!”

Um, I guess I’d better sign off now. Do you have a bedtime? Early or late? Is it easy or hard for you to discipline yourself to get to bed on time?

July 17, 2012

Dear automakers and brochure copy writers…

by Decemberbaby

I love the exhaustive list of a vehicle’s features. Honestly, though, you could definitely edit the list so that customers don’t have to search for the stuff that matters. I’d suggest not bothering to mention such features as: “Door Ajar, low fuel, and driver and passenger seat belt indicators.” ‘Cause you know, every car has that. Ditto door map pockets and cup holders. And, you know, DOORS.

And another thing: why do I have to go up an entire trim level just to get a power liftgate? I want one, but there’s no way I’ll pay seven thousand dollars for it. I mean really, how stupid do you think we are?

(Answer: “apparently, very.”)

“Wheels? The brochure doesn’t list wheels for this model. You want wheels, you gotta move up to our BS model, that’ll get you some wheels.”

March 27, 2012

Cleaning #Exodusgram

by Decemberbaby

I think this idea originated with Ima on (and off) the Bima. Essentially, it’s a meme where bloggers (or tweeters, or whatever) post photos or short essays on themes related to Passover and the Exodus – one theme each day. Here’s my contribution on the theme of “cleaning”:

Yes, that's flour. And yes, that's K. I've been waiting 3 years to use this picture!

In related news, the inside of my fridge (minus the door trays) has been cleaned for pesach. I lined the shelves with plastic so that on erev pesach I can just remove the food, remove the plastic, and – ta dah! – the fridge will be kosher for pesach. Now, on to the rest of my (flour-coated) house…

March 18, 2012

Sunday funny… contraceptive fail?

by Decemberbaby

Seen in the leaflet for a contraceptive product:

If your physician has told you that you should not become pregnant, ask your physician if you can use this product for contraception. If this product is used together with another contraceptive method, there will probably be better protection against pregnancy.

In other words, product may not work as advertised. You just wasted $15. Suckers!

February 4, 2012

3 out of 5 ain’t bad…

by Decemberbaby

That’s 3 out of 5 of us who aren’t sick. Well, I’m still a bit sick, but I’m highly functional, so I count as healthy. K is sick again, and Mr. December just succumbed to the virus yesterday. I will say, in his favour, that he never gets a “man cold”. He just lies silently in bed and groans when I poke him to make sure he’s alive.

We’re soldiering along in the wake of the part-time nanny’s sudden leaving. A friend’s sister was looking for some temporary work (thank God for these artsy musician types!) and she’s fabulous with the kids. We’re now searching for a permanent nanny. We probably could have found one in about five hours, except for the fact that Mr. December is holding out for an Israeli nanny who will force us all to practice our Hebrew all day long.

K has been ridiculously defiant lately. It doesn’t matter what I ask her to do, her default position is “no way.” Going to bed, using the toilet, eating… if I want her to do it, she won’t. There was an incident with the bath the other night during which she perched herself on the two built-in corner shelves above the tub and wouldn’t come down, but I’m committed to not posting embarrassing stories about my kids on the blog, just in case they want to run for office one day. For the curious among you, just imagine bathing a cat, except the cat is an exceptionally strong, agile four-year-old girl. I still have bruises.

It’s just in the past few days that I’ve returned to some of my creative stuff. I sewed a new table runner yesterday because I was tired of our Shabbat table being plain boring white every week. I’m making placemats because I think I need them, and because they’ll teach my kids to set the table properly. And I have some hand-me-down fabric that I might just use to try some machine smocking, since it’s not a colour I’d use for anyone except a baby.

Oh, and a raccoon has chewed through the wooden frame of our garage door AND excavated some of the asphalt next to it, just so it can live in our bakfiets. I’m thinking I’d like to buy a shotgun. Look for my upcoming tutorial on sewing your own ‘coonskin cap.

Kidding. I’m kidding. I look terrible in fur. I’ll just make a nice little rug for the bakfiets. Poetic justice, right?

December 13, 2011

What brings you here?

by Decemberbaby

I feel like blogging today, but I don’t feel like generating content or thinking too hard. I guess it must be time for…

Snappy answers to strange searches

Apparently lots of people find me through web searches. Most frequently they’re searching for Montessori stuff and, oddly enough, penguin costumes. Some of the searches are just odd, and some of them beg for answers. Here’s a handpicked sampler for you:

Can we pack cut cucumber for lunch?

Why not? No, seriously. Is there a reason why not?

Can 3 sunshine kinds car seats fit in a yaris

You’d think they could, but they can’t. You’re better off with an assortment of car seats that can overlap each other. Which brings us to…

3 carseats across back seat can the overlap

Yes, they can.

Penis Loofah

Hmm, you must have been directed to my post about the nest of the black-necked weaver. If that wasn’t what you were looking for, please consider that even though I’ve owned neither a penis nor a loofah, I would guess that it’s not a good idea to combine the two.

костюм пингвина

Sorry, I don’t read the Cyrillic alphabet. Can someone please tell me what this says? And why there have been thirteen people who got here by searching with this term?

Fetus Soup

What the… ?

Children pee in pants

Yep, they’ll do that. Also:

Butt pooping

Indeed, that’s what it’s for.

Baby flips out no reason

Well now, that depends. If the baby is younger than a year old, there’s always a reason (but yes, I’m counting colic as a reason). If you’re talking about an older baby-almost-toddler, then your search term is simply a statement of fact. Move along, nothing to see here.

Duct tape kippah

Hey, good idea! Perfect for kids (and grownups) whose kippot keep falling off.

Permission to pee pants

Denied.

Bed is crunchy

Didn’t Ernie and Bert cover this back in the day? Stop eating cookies in the bed!

Is it almost lunchtime

Maybe where you are. Over here it’s bedtime, and I’m going to sleep. And no, my bed is not crunchy. G’night!

 

 

 

October 15, 2011

… and baby makes three

by Decemberbaby

She had her first bath in a soup pot. Mr. December wanted to move this photo shoot to the kitchen and throw in some onions, but I nixed that. Notice that baby girl is sleeping? She slept through the entire bath. I think I might buy her one of those upright european baby tubs.

 

Notice the dark circles under Mr. December's eyes? He always looks worse after childbirth than I do. Must be the endorphin rush that he's missing.

 

Our whole crew. Baby is about eight hours old and has now survived being held by her big sister and closely inspected by her big brother.